It's been a while, Xanga! A year and four months, to be exact.
The last time we had a chat I was full of anxiety and depression, but I am pleased to say that I have taken this year and four months to work on myself and heal. Did I go to therapy? No. I looked at myself, hard, and told myself the truth. Looking back on my previous Xanga posts, it's plain to see that I thought of myself as a victim of men and their cruel ways. I was also clearly still in love with my ex-husband and clearly not over the demise of my marriage.
You've heard the expression, "It's not you, it's them!" Well, it really was me.
I spent the majority of 2010 lying to myself and making bad choices. I didn't value myself very much after my ex-husband left me, and I was looking for that value to come back to me from another man, but how can someone value you when you don't value yourself? I didn't think that I was worth very much effort, so I accepted small or barely there efforts and chose to see them as big gestures. I allowed men to treat me badly, recognized that they were treating me badly, made excuses and apologies, and played myself the victim in my Xanga posts.
I would say that the turning point was finding out that my suspicions about my ex-husband's fidelity were correct. I'd always suspected he'd cheated on me, but I never had proof until sometime in late 2010. He still denies that he cheated, but having his admission no longer matters to me, and when I finally had that proof whatever door I'd been keeping open for him slammed shut. I haven't looked back. From that point I lost 30 lbs and I started re-evaluating myself and my worth. I cast G out of my life for good and haven't seen or spoken to him since. People will treat you how you allow them to treat you, and that is not their problem it's yours. If I continually allow people to mistreat me then that is my own fault. I'm not a victim of other people, I'm a victim of myself.
So, I lost 30 lbs and I started to value myself again. I cut out all those unhealthy relationships and all those people I'd allowed to treat me badly, and I focused raising my daughter and spending time with my friends, and wouldn't ya know it Xanga, I found love! I stopped trying to force myself into relationships, worked on myself and feeling better about myself, and fell in love with a man I'd been fairly good friends with during these tumultuous two years. We have been dating for five months and we are taking our time and not rushing into anything, which suits me just fine. I am ridiculously happy with my life and in my relationship, even if it isn't 100% perfect, and there isn't much that can bring me down right now...try as my ex-husband might, and boy does he try!
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